“I Will Hold Myself to a Standard of Grace, Not Perfection”

It’s no secret that I’ve been spending more time away from the blog and social media these days. Admittedly, I did it on purpose, but for the most part, I let life take over. Between sharing about our recent travels and throwing a couple of lifestyle-related posts, I haven’t really gotten more personal around here, so I’m sharing some truths about life lately.

Two weeks ago, I got an email from Dad that had “Prayers for Mommy” in the subject line. If you live thousands of miles away from home, this is the kind of email you never wish to receive. Roan and I just had dinner and were on our way home when I got Dad’s email, and it took a lot of courage to open and read it.

Not even three sentences deep into Dad’s message, I started crying in the car next to my confused husband. It took me a while to find my voice, and re-read Dad’s email to Roan who was shocked himself with the news. A cyst was found in my mom’s throat (right next to her vocal chords) in a recent medical check-up, and she needed to undergo surgery as soon as possible. As it turns out, the cyst was the reason why Mom’s voice had been hoarse.

Mom went under the knife last Tuesday to have the cyst removed. According to Dad, it was the size of a bean in pork and beans. Thankfully, it was found benign. Mom’s doctors didn’t even think twice about getting rid of it, especially knowing that cancer is in our family’s medical history.

Mom is now recovering from the surgery, but we’re still waiting for results from the D and C procedure she also went through. About a week prior to her throat surgery, Mom experienced bleeding in her uterus, hence the procedure. We continue to pray that all results come clean and negative.

If worrying about Mom and my family back home wasn’t enough, they also had to share the death of a very close family friend. She was the wife of Dad’s close friend from high school. I know this isn’t my story to tell, but I empathize with their family’s grief. I can only imagine the extent of what their family is going through right now since Dad’s high school friend has been suffering from health complications for the last couple of years himself. I refuse to believe these sudden unfortunate events, and the least I could do is pray for their family, too.

The least of my worries these days should be anything work-related. I can pretty much handle pressure gracefully; however, coinciding work-related stress with all the above-mentioned, I can only take so much. Remember that time I had to bring home more work on a Friday night? It was the same night Roan’s siblings had arranged an advance birthday dinner for my mother-in-law. It’s so lame that we had to refuse my siblings-in-law’s invitation for a Friday night out because I had to work late.

I was given an impossible task, and I delivered. I was exhausted, but I met the deadline. I thought I did a great job! When my boss revisited my work, however, she realized that the other managers failed to provide me enough information and tools they have agreed to give me when they asked me to take on this particular task.

See, I’ve had an emotional week, so when my boss showed me a piece of document that would’ve made my life easier that Friday (and Monday) night, I lost it. I broke down right in front of my boss who was both apologetic and livid towards the other managers involved. I was put in a position where I could’ve received all the support and guidance necessary, but I was left in the dark. I pulled through; it was definitely a feat, but it could’ve been avoided.

I’ve been pouring my heart out in my journal a lot lately when this quote, the same quote that’s plastered on my journal’s cover, hit right through me. I haven’t been kind to myself these days that my emotions got the best of me. I need to remind myself every now and then that some things are beyond my control, and I couldn’t have done anything to make them better. The Lord continues to test my faith in Him, but I will not falter. Not now, not ever.

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