Dealing with My Demons: Weight and Body Issues

Today’s post may be my most personal entry ever. I thought long and hard about whether I should I put this story in the public domain or just keep on keeping certain things to myself. It’s been a while since I talked about my weight and body issues here on the blog, and today’s probably the best time to get real.

WEIGHT

I have packed on weight since I arrived here in the US, and I’ve only been here for five months.

There, I said it. In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m borderline overweight. Now I can hear y’all laughing and thinking, “What a joke, this girl. She kept talking about being healthy and working out as part of her ‘fitness goals’, and yet she’s telling us that she’s ‘borderline’ overweight? What a hypocrite.“.

Ouch.

I can give you a plethora of reasons why I fell off-track, but there’s only one person to blame: myself. I allowed myself to indulge again in not-so-healthy food—the one thing that was easy for me to give up on eons ago—without proper exercise. With the amount of calories I take in on a daily basis, my calorie deficit wasn’t enough from doing little to non-existent workout to not put on weight.

My wake-up call happened last week at my doctor’s appointment. I went for a physical examination, including a pap smear procedure I did for the first time. I’m one of those many girls who are afraid of stepping on the scale, but I had no choice. I must have turned paper-white when the scale read numbers I’ve never seen before. I may or may not have broken down at the doctor’s office when my doctor was explaining how I needed to lose weight. Never in my life have I been told by another person to deal with my weight. You’d think I took offense, but I didn’t. I knew it all along. People need not tell me what I already know. I just kept denying it to myself.

BODY

I wish I could tell you that I didn’t have insecurities. In fact, my biggest insecurity is the lower part of my body. I know some (if not most) of you have wondered why I seldom post a whole body photo of myself here on the blog, and that’s primarily the reason why (especially these days). You might say, “but you don’t look like you’re overweight”. Well, technically, I’m not yet overweight, but if I decide to stay on this phase, I’m going to be one in just a matter of time.

I was born with a childbearing hip (thanks, Mom), thus I have the pear-shape body type. I hate my thighs the most, and it was probably the last thing that shrunk when I lost weight from awhile back. In all honesty, I look at myself with disgust whenever I face a mirror. I remember being in that same train of thought some four years ago, and it was what got me started into doing something about it. The problem is, I was four years younger then. I’m turning 29 in a few months, in case you’re wondering.

INSPIRATION & ACCOUNTABILITY

I had a classmate and friend from grade school who I’ve always known to be on the chubby side. She’s never lost weight until we stumbled upon each other’s Twitter and Instagram accounts four years ago. It was during the time I’d already lost weight, and I became her wake-up call for her to do something about her own issues, too. Today, the tables have been turned. Not only has she lost all of the weight, she’s now rocking a toned body, too! It was like seeing an entirely different person.

The same day I got home from my doctor’s appointment, I texted that friend of mine. I told her about my physical examination and everything that I needed to say to shrug off that impending depression. I turned myself into a lame ball of pity, which was annoying to say the least.

She reminded of that time I had been an inspiration to her, and now she’s mine. She was very patient, and was all encouraging the entire time. She asked me to make a workout schedule, and show up every time because the drive to do it is only half the battle. Discipline is what will produce progress. I promised my friend that I will report my progress monthly, and asked her to check in on me every now and then to hold me accountable.

Roan has always been supportive. He actually likes me this way, but since I’m not OK with being ‘borderline overweight’, he pushes me to be more active, too. His only wish is that I don’t fall underweight (again) because the ‘skeleton look’ doesn’t suit me. He says he likes to be able to hug me without worrying about breaking a bone in my ribs. Very funny.


Today I’m dealing with my demons and starting over. I owe it to myself to take better care of my well-being, and take pride in whatever progress I will make in the future, no matter how small. Will you be there cheering me on or bringing me further down? You decide.

I know I’m not the only one who’s going through the same struggle at the moment, so here’s something I wish for you to do. The comments section will be turned off, but do send me an email if there’s anything you want to say. It may be a reaction to this post (however violent that may be) or you simply wish for someone to listen to your issues, too. I needed just one friend to listen to my frustrations, and I’d be more than happy to be the same to you.